AM I REBELLIOUS? LOL
“Let’s make this our best set.” Credo clapped as we moved from weighted step-ups to decline abs.
I didn’t respond verbally; my feet dragged beneath me like cinderblocks. He told me we were doing 3 sets of 10, but we were on our 5th one.
“Did you hear me?” Credo called me again.
“I did.”
“Body language,” Credo pushed his shoulders back and winked before he started his set.
I smiled, still mentally complaining, but pushed myself a little harder for our last set. Our mornings and afternoons usually had some variation of this interaction. I pick up a 10lb weight, and he hands me a 20lb one. I stop at rep 8, and he tells me to give him 3 more.
“Can you do what I am asking you to do?” He’d ask.
“Watch me.” He’d petition.
“You can go up in weight because I am right here.” He’d say with a laugh. “Push as hard as you can, and I’ll make up the rest.”
During our last workout together, he mentioned I always complain, but end up doing whatever he asks. He didn’t seem surprised—maybe confused by the complaining—but it was just a thing about me.
I can be, how would you say it? Contrarian.
He asks me for water, and I say no as I get up to get it. He tells me to help him find his durag, and I tell him to find it himself as I am walking it up the stairs to him.
We usually banter a bit afterwards, falling into a laugh or a kiss, but there are times when his instruction and direction make me want to claw my insides out.
“Mom, I can’t tell you what it is,” I said, shocked. “But, sometimes when he tells me to do stuff, it just pisses me off. It can be something I like to do for him, but him reminding me to do it, or tellin’ me to do something else without noticing all the other stuff I did….I want to peel my skin off.”
I went on and on, her laugh interrupting my monologue, sometimes offering a story of her own, but landing on a scripture,
“Your desire will be for your husband, but he will rule over you,” her voice slowed towards the end of her sentence, like she was still discovering its meaning herself.
“Rule over me?” I questioned loudly. “Where do it say that?”
“For we are god’s handiwork, created in christ jesus to do good works, which god prepared in advance for us to do.” ephesians 2:10 [niv]
Shortly after my conversation with my mother, I wrote in my journal that I thought I had a rebellion problem. My exact words were: “Am I rebellious? lol”. I chuckled as I wrote it because I have historically been a rule follower, scared of doing things wrong, some might say a goodie-goodie. If I colored outside the lines, it was in pencil; I wasn’t bold enough to do it in anything that couldn’t be erased. Much to my surprise, after marriage, my willingness to be led got choked out by something that I didn’t even know was in there.
Whether Credo was correcting my form in the gym or pushing me to be more consistent or exposing holes in my faith, I was—to put it kindly— a little resistant.
“I hear you babe,” I’d say.
“I know what that means”. He’d retort.
“The way you’re thinking about that is going to hold you back.” He offered plainly.
“Yeah, I don’t see it that way.” I huffed out.
“Where is your faith?” He’d ask in response to my fear.
We did this bit frequently enough for me to start to wonder if this was a me problem.
Is he insensitive? Or am I unwilling to be corrected?
Is he a questionable leader? Or do I have a pride problem?
Is he harsh? Or am I defensive?
“Husbands, love your wives, just as christ loved the church and gave himself up for her..” EPHESIANS 5:25 [niv]
Shamefully, it took me a while to pray about it. I didn’t want God to answer my questions; the conviction was a clear sign that there was something in me that was a stranger to Him. And the more He pressed, the harder it was for me to ignore His invitation to look at whatever was going on.
We started with the scripture my mom brought up, Genesis 3:16 NIV,
“To the woman, He said, I will make your pains in childbearing very severe; with painful labor, you will give birth to children. Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.”
Now, let’s note this was God’s discipline for women after Eve ate the fruit. In All You Talk About is Love, we already established that God’s discipline is painful, for our good, leads us to share in His holiness, and if we allow ourselves to be trained by it, produces righteousness and peace in us.
Using that lens to approach Genesis 3:16, God already knows that the ‘desire will be for my husband’ thing is excruciatingly painful for me. So, we can skip that part. I don’t want to rule out rebellion yet, but my resistance to correction and leadership in marriage kind of proves Genesis 3:16 was the whooping of a lifetime for all women. It also answers why this feeling surfaced after marriage. While the discipline He gave in Genesis applies to all women, it has frequently and quite loudly manifested for me in the presence of my husband (how annoying lol).
Our next stop was Ephesians 5:22,
“Wives submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which He is the Savior.”
This command of submission for women confused me a bit. If the discipline for Eve was that women would resist submission to their husbands, why would God command that of me in marriage?
My initial thought was that God wants me to sin, and then God reminded me of James 1:13,
“When tempted no one should say, ‘God is tempting me.’ For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does He tempt anyone.”
So, that thought was boo boo.
And, I am back to asking my original question.
God, why would You command me to do something that feels like I’m predisposed to hate?
And, He answered with 2 Corinthians 12:9,
“But He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”
And that got me thinking that His discipline then created weaknesses for me now that have predestined space for Him in me.
My resistance to obedience
My questions about His goodness and His design
My predisposed reluctance towards submission in marriage
Each one becomes a meeting place if I allow it. A place where I admit that I need Him and He lovingly responds. A moment where I am reminded that He never intended for me to do anything without Him.
“IN THE SAME WAY, HUSBANDS OUGHT TO LOVE THEIR WIVES AS THEIR OWN BODIES. HE WHO LOVES HIS WIFE LOVES HIMSELF,” EPHESIANS 5:28 [NIV]
I still have so many thoughts, but I’m going to try to land one of the planes.
More than the topic of submission in marriage or with God, I feel like God is asking me the same question over and over and over again.
Do you believe that I love you?
Do you believe that every decision I have made concerning you is evidence of my love for you?
My quickest and most prideful answer is: Yes, God, I believe that you love me. Of course, I think your decisions reflect your love for me.
But my professed beliefs and the posture of my heart and the fruit in my life all say something different. So maybe it’s not yes?
And that makes me think my actual problem isn’t about submission or rebellion or wanting to claw out my insides when Credo corrects me.
But about something much bigger than that, because if submission aka obedience aka surrender, is the fruit of knowing and trusting the heart of the person in front of you.
Then asking myself if I’m rebellious or defensive or disobedient is missing the point.
The better question would be: Do I know and trust the heart of my Father?
