A LIFE FOR A LIFE

Credo had been working from home more. The pace of the holidays rewarded me with more of him. He eased into his rhythm for the year instead of sprinting, and I have to admit I loved the slow mornings and midday giggles. This particular day was one of my favorites. 4 clients, 2-hour breaks between each, a breakfast sandwich waiting for me outside of the office, and a coffee, sort of filled to the top because he knows I only drink it to look like an adult.

“Thank you for my sandwich,” I smiled. “What are you doing?”

“Do you know what Sarah called Abraham?” He questioned as he looked up from his bible.

“Uh, Abram?” I said with a mouthful of food.

“Master.” He grinned.

I don’t know if he laughed first or if it was me, but for a couple of weeks after, he would only answer to Master. For a little razzle dazzle, I’d add a curtsy, maybe even ask if he was pleased. We were tickled, and somewhere in all of that, I started to wonder what it meant that Sarah called Abraham Master.

I later remembered watching One Night with the King as a little girl, and there was a scene where, after Esther married King Xerxes, she was standing next to Mordecai, insisting that he be moved to a place in the Palace, and he responded:

“My Lord will take care of me, but you make sure you take care of your lord.”

Now, at that time, I was 9 years old and the only “Lord” I knew was Jesus. My mom wasn’t calling my dad lord. She certainly wasn’t calling him master. Don’t misunderstand me, my father ran his house, and my mother respected him, but she would choke on her tongue if she tried to call him lord. So, Sarah’s level of honor and respect for her husband was not something I saw growing up.

Still, something that started as a joke between Credo and me morphed into bigger questions.

What made me disgusted by the idea of calling my husband "lord"?

What made me frustrated with God for putting this in the bible?

When I read anything about “submission”, how does it translate to “You are a pitiful woman who lets a man think for you”?

What is true honor and respect? What fruit does it bear?

“WHEN I LOOK INTO ALL YOUR COMMANDMENTS, i WILL PRAISE YOU WITH UPRIGHTNESS OF HEART. wHEN I LEARN yOUR RIGHTEOUS JUDGMENTS.”Psalms 119:6-7

To put it plainly, there are some things that I read in the bible that make me gag a bit in my mouth. As “saved” as I believe I am, reading scripture often reminds me how much of my mind and heart has yet to be renewed. I read a commandment and rebellion bubbles. I reflect on a promise and consider all the ways I feel God has let me down. Dramatic? Probably. But, this has become our dance, God and me. One question leads me to His feet and another shows me my heart and another question urges me to repent and then we do it all over again. The rebellion used to scare me. So did the questions. I felt unsaved. Like a bad daughter. But the questions caused me to look for Him, and the rebellion reminded me that I needed Him. But, that isn’t what I want to talk about; I want to talk about Sarah calling her man lord.

After all of my cringing, I felt like God was showing me a heart issue. It started when a friend brought up the story of Cain and Abel. As a child and even as an adult, I never related to Cain because he’s a murderer, and I am clearly not. But, this was less about Cain being a murderer and more about his heart. You know the story,

2 sacrifices,

2 hearts,

Only one is accepted.

And then it dawned on me that God can reject my sacrifice, better yet, has been rejecting my sacrifice.

As I considered my heart, different moments came to mind, or He brought them to mind, and now I had this choice. To either feel shame and run from Him or repent and ask Him for help. Surprise! I asked for help.

God didn’t need my recap for the misuse of Scripture or the silencing and abusing of his daughters.

He was there.

He was grieved—more than you and me.

Still, He reminded me that He has always deeply loved women. And, He invited me to let Him teach me His thoughts about women, about me.

He started by reminding me I was made in His image (Genesis 1:27). I am the glory of man (1 Corinthians 11:7). And, the same word He used to describe Himself (ezer), He used to describe me. How sweet of Him to put in me something that is just like Him.

A thing that keeps Him vulnerable and compassionate, attentive and tuned in, merciful and full of vision and insight. All things that require strength and all things that keep the world moving. He created a world that needed me in it, not for decoration or for show, but to bring His plan to life.

He buttered me up pretty good before asking me if I trusted Him. I felt like Peter when Jesus kept asking him if He loved Him.

Aliyah, do you trust Me? Yes, I trust you.

Aliyah, do you trust Me? Of course, I trust you.

Aliyah do you trust Me? Yes, yes yes! I trust you.

Then, what is wrong with submitting to My design?

If a gentle and meek spirit is precious in My sight (1 Peter 3:1-6), what else would you rather be?

Obviously, I felt like I got smacked with a bag of nickels because maybe I don’t trust Him? Because why can’t I submit in my heart to His design? Why do I roll my eyes when I read about his commandments for women? I want to surrender to His plan. I want to want to, but there’s something in me that is in the way, in my way.

“Their idols are silver and gold, the work of men’s hands..Those who make them are like them; so is everyone who trusts in them.” psalms 115:4,8 [niv]

It should have been obvious, but it wasn’t until I read Matthew 16:25 [GNT]:

“For if you want to save your own life, you will lose it; but if you lose your life for my sake, you will find it.”

For my sake, for my sake, for my sake. It rang in my heart. Over and over.

Will you lose your identity for my sake?

Will you lose your pride for my sake?

Will you lose your ideas of womanhood and wifehood for my sake?

It should be an easy yes because it’s God. A life for a life. He died so I can live. I die so I can live.

He isn’t asking me to die into a grave, but into the life He has always had waiting for me. The life He already created for me.

I mean, if God is who He says He is.

If His greatest act of love towards me has already happened on the cross..

If He is truly for my good—then whatever He asks of me is for me.

More for me than anything I could ever choose. Anything that I have chosen.